The Sickness of Yuki Nagato
by Jessicake
Summary: Affectionate parody of the often-seen 'Yuki becoming more human' type of fanfic. Contains references to events from Disappearance. Starts semi-serious but then traipses all around crackistan with a full entourage of court jesters. Your mileage may vary
1. Critical Error

**A/N: My first fanfic. Usual disclaimers...I don't own any of the characters yada yada yada. I hope you enjoy the silliness to come.**

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><p>Wednesday. 3:10. With regards to all the subjects of observation, the scenario appears typical for a meeting of the grouping designated the 'SOS Brigade' by the Auto-Evolution Prospect. The Time Traveller is performing her assigned mascot role dressed in the uniform of a maid while making tea for the other subjects. Why she is dressed in this manner in the clubroom cannot currently be ascertained. The initial purported reasoning behind utilising the Time Traveller in this manner was recruitment of new members. There are no potential candidates within visual distance. Speculate that the Auto-Evolution Prospect enjoys the spectacle for aesthetic reasons.<p>

**I****dle conjecture. Stick to objective statements of observation.**

In error, a loud 'tsk' sound escapes from the mouth of this interface in response to this interjection and order from the Data Overmind. Experiencing unusual tiredness and lack of self-control. Visible muscle twitches. Believe all these noted by the Auto-Evolution Prospect. Expression of curiosity. Ten minutes of lost memory still not recovered. Concerns about data corruption.

The subject commonly designated 'Kyon' looks in this direction. This interface returns to the body of bounded text currently designated as a prop to aid observation. A pleasurable if inefficient manner of accumulating data of tangential relevance. Errors decreasing in intensity. Run diagnostics later to ascertain cause.

**Return to observation and transmission of pertinent data. Request resumption of regular synchronization to transmit data in a more efficient manner****…**

Request denied. Despite the reassurances and threat held over the Integrated Data Sentient Entity by the subject commonly designated 'Kyon', the possibility of deletion or radical behaviour modification renders this unwise. This interface is becoming irritated by this repeated request.

**Frustration and anger are ****non-standard processes. Synchronization has a 98% possibility of terminating these errors. The Data Overmind is puzzled as to why this interface rejects remedial steps towards operation at full capacity.**

Bewilderment is a non-standard process. Terminate yourself.

This reply appears to have temporarily silenced the Overmind. This interface is surprised by the intensity of her own insubordination. Behaviour is becoming erratic.

'Nagato, are you okay?' The subject commonly designated** '**Kyon' is exhibiting signs of concern. He places his hand on this interface's right shoulder. Expression must somehow have betrayed inner processes. The Auto-Evolution Prospect grits her teeth and folds her arms. Presumably interpreting gesture as one of affection.

'Hey, the silent character's having a breakdown.'

She simultaneously exhibits characteristics of two emotional states; annoyance and intrigue. The subject commonly designated** '**Kyon' appears angered by this response. Her lack of concern is...disappointing. But not unexpected.

'Haruhi! Don't just come out and say such stupid and insensitive things!' He looks into this interface's eyes for a moment. Apprehensive. Perhaps he has error-related concerns regarding imminent danger of irrational action of the order of the 'borrowing the Auto-Evolution Prospect's powers' incident…

'I am fine.' He does not look convinced but returns to his seat. The Auto-Evolution Prospect stares at this interface for a long moment.

'Yuki…' she begins. She sighs and shakes her head. 'N-never mind.'

The Auto-Evolution Prospect returns to her activities on the computer, muttering under her breath. It is at this point that something bizarre, unfathomable, and entirely contradictory to normal routines of data processing occurs.

Error.

Error.

Lights too bright. Pain. The book drops to the floor. The room begins to spin. Unlikely. Probable this is the sensation known as 'dizziness'.

Error. Error. Error.

The chair falls from behind. Kyon is shouting my name. How did he get so far away? The room fades to black.


	2. Baffling Bugs

**A/N: The promised silliness begins.**

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><p>'She's waking up! She's waking up!'<p>

Run diagnostic.

_Diagnostic files corrupted._

I open my eyes. Everything is hazy. Something is very wrong. The room approximates the nurse's office. Anomalously devoid of detail. The green-haired nurse resembles more a doll than a human. She raises her arms. She does not possess clearly defined fingers.

'Hey, Nagatocchi, Nagatocchi!'

...

'Do you know anything about the medicinal benefits of smoked cheese?'

WHAT.

Not a question. Pure perplexity in wake of apparent collapse of reason.

'Nyoro~n'

...

Is that a punchline?

Creatures resembling Haruhi Suzumiya, Koizumi Itsuki, Mikuru Asahina and Kyon appear suddenly beside the bed. They are all dressed as doctors. Their facial features are identical to each other. Eyes closed, though they appear awake.

The creature resembling Kyon crosses his arms. 'Medical smoked cheese forbidden. No way.'

'Nyoro~n'

ARGH!

I sit up gasping for breath. The nurse's room. In normal form. May have experienced what humans call 'concussion'.

Disturbing. And impossible. I feel different. Information is processed differently. Reason unknown.

'Nagato!' Kyon clasps my hand. 'Thank God. You had us worried. Are you alright?'

An answer cannot readily be found in words. The opportunity to attempt this is not given.

'See, worrywort! I told you she'd be fine!'

Kyon glares at Suzumiya. She is the likely cause of all this. An unfamiliar urge. Proceed. Entirely deserved.

'Who are you?'

'Wha-what? How dare you forget your Brigade Chief!' Fury trumps concern. Unsurprising.

It would probably be cruel to continue further. I decide to do so.

'This girl is tedious. Kyon, please escort me home.'

His eyes are large with shock. Her expression is indescribable. I appear to be losing control of my breathing. Without intention a succession of small snorting noises escape. If possible, Kyon's eyes open even wider with surprise than previously. A few seconds later his lips curve upwards.

The loss of control escalates. I make a noise best rendered in the written form as 'kekekekekekekekekeke'. So this is laughter. I see. I shall have to develop a more pleasant-sounding laugh. Kyon makes a quieter version of a similar yet distinctly less grating noise while bringing his hand to his forehead. There should be a name for this manoeuvre. Palmface?

Suzumiya makes a rapid transition from annoyance to amusement to appreciation. 'Hmph. Good effort, Yuki. Didn't know you had it in you. You better do something good to the other two as well.' Inexplicably, her appreciation brings great satisfaction.

A brief pause. She angrily kicks the side of the bed. 'They didn't even hang around after we got you here. Mikuru's too cute to get angry at, but I've got half a mind to demote that smiling bastard.'

Kyon and myself exchange a meaningful look. He understands. The time travellers and espers are alarmed. Something of grave concern may have occurred.

**#****##**

Kyon insists upon walking me home. Unclear how much this is genuine concern for my well-being versus a desire to extract data on recent events.

'I've got a bad feeling, Nagato. Is something ridiculous about to happen again?' His intention is primarily to extract data. Understandable. But still disheartening.

'Will check with my superiors'. This interface sends out a connection request to the Data Overmind.

**Connection accepted.**

The Entity still exists. This interface has not been made human. A mixture of relief and dismay.

**Your software has received an ****unauthorised upgrade from an external source. We do not know of any being capable of performing such action remotely except the Auto-Evolution Prospect. **

Describe modifications undertaken.

**T****he following areas are confirmed to have been compromised: sensory nerve receptors, kernel. Additional features observed from behaviour. Heightened ****awareness of cognitive processes that incite human amusement. None of these changes can be externally replicated or simulated. **

Recommended procedure?

**It is ****impossible to revert the modification. Ordinary procedure in a case of such severe data corruption is termination. However, the destabilizing effects on the Auto-Evolution Prospect are not desired. Small possibility this non-simulatable data change may be of interest regarding Auto-Evolution.**

Should these changes be obscured?

**I****ncreased awareness of the ****cognitive processes that incite human amusement appears to be appreciated by the Auto-Evolution Prospect. Do not obscure the alterations that have occurred. Gauge response and determine intentions. Exercise due caution regarding the mental state of the Auto-Evolution Prospect. The situation is unpredictable. In the event of sufficiently dangerous behaviours, deletion remains an option.**

Understood. Connection terminated.

This conversation has taken approximately three point two seconds of Earth time.

I relay the information to Kyon. A summarised form simplified for human understanding. He appears excited.

'She's made you more...human?'

The alterations undertaken bring my capacities and processing mechanisms in a number of areas closer to the human standard. Reasonable summation.

'Nagato. I know what this must mean to you. This is great!' His smile fades rapidly. 'Wait. This is harmless, right? Why did Koizumi and Ms. Asahina seem so stressed earlier? If it was just concern for your well-being, why did they leave so abruptly...'

If Haruhi Suzumiya consciously wished for this upgrade she may have experienced guilt for subsequent events in spite of an absence of knowledge that her being the cause is feasible. The events are also likely to have caused stress.

'Closed space.' Kyon groans.

Indeed.

'But what about Ms. Asahina?'

Uncertain. It is possible that these events were not anticipated to occur on this timeline. Inconsistencies may have been introduced.

'In other words, Haruhi broke time? Gee, I wonder who ends up having to go back and fix her mess.'

He puts his hands behind his head and leans back slightly as we continue to walk. Presumably an attempt to relax.

'Not that I'm not happy for you. It's just...can't anything be simple with her around? I mean, what's the deal? Is she trying to make you more accessible as a friend or something? Why would Haruhi of all people make someone _less_ alien?'

Not her fault. She is unaware of her powers.

'Why are you defending her? You sound like Koizumi.'

Grave insult. Calculating optimal path of fist travel.

Remain calm. Remain calm.

**#****##**

I receive a phone call from Kyon two hours and fifteen minutes later.

'Sorry to bother you Nagato, but I just want to check again. Have you found out anything more? Is there anything I should be worried about?'

He appears to lack trust. Frustrating. The urge I experienced earlier returns. Proceed.

I remind him that he is surrounded by individuals with abilities far greater than his own. That it is best for his own survival prospects to be permanently concerned. At this point I declare that the call must end as I am currently busy manipulating data to remake the world towards my own preferences.

I hang up.

Seconds later the phone starts ringing again. It is permitted to ring until the call is cut off. A few seconds later the ringing recommences once more. Answered on the fifth ring.

...

'Nagato! What the hell did you just say you were doing?'

It would probably be cruel to continue further. I decide to do so.

...

'Nagato!'

I am still busy.

'NAGATO?'

Enough. A joke. More trust would be appreciated.

Several seconds of silence pass. Suddenly Kyon bursts into a slightly maniacal laugh.

'Never do that again.' A groan.

This area has been previously addressed. If there is a problem of which I am permitted to inform you than this operation will be initiated immediately. Also recall previous statements that the safety of any member of the Brigade overrides any order from my superiors that would compromise it. Trust.

'Sorry. I suppose you could say I deserved that.' Kyon sighs. 'Should I inform Ms. Asahina and Koizumi about what's happening with you? He rang a while ago. I didn't want to tell him anything without your permission.'

No. Excellent. Much amusement is possible while they remain unaware. It is also likely Suzumiya will approve. I am unsure as to why this seems to matter.


	3. Yuki Nagato: Troll Mode

**A/N My favourite chapter of the whole fic. Utter bobbins. I only hope that you have a good laugh reading this before sending the obligatory hate mail for such disgraceful wanton OOC-ness.**

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><p>After the events of the previous day, the calm of the next morning is appreciated. Acclimatisation to sensory alterations is difficult. The hill on the approach to school provokes dampness. Sweat. Dislike.<p>

I am the fourth of the members to arrive at the clubroom. Suzumiya indicates that Ms. Asahina has cleaning duty and an exemption from the usual death penalty for lateness.

I return to my current reading material. Nietzche's _The Antichrist_. Unique. Crazed or genius? Unclear. May be part of the appeal.

'Kyon! I want to talk to you', Suzumiya exclaims suddenly. Kyon looks wearily in her direction. He and Koizumi are playing Connect Four. Speculate that they are running increasingly short on game ideas. Perhaps noughts and crosses will be next.

'I'm here. Talk.'

She bangs her fists on the table. 'I mean in private, moron!'

Kyon shakes his head and reluctantly follows Suzumiya from the room. She winks in this direction. I see.

Koizumi leans back on his chair thoughtfully and sighs. The smile does not waver.

'My my. I wonder what's going on between those two.' Amusement potential detected.

I tell Koizumi that their behaviour is typical for two individuals of their current relationship status.

The esper frowns. 'As far as I am aware he still fails to understand his importance to Ms. Suzumiya. Perhaps one can speculate that she is subconsciously manipulating reality to ensure that this remains the case. Regardless, I have seen no sign of such a developing situation.'

I 'inform' him that at 11:05 PM last night a massive explosion of data was detected. The esper develops a very worried expression.

'What form did this data explosion take?'

During sleep, Haruhi Suzumiya's dissatisfaction with the mundane nature of reality reached critical mass. This world was instantly destroyed. Kyon secured its re-establishment. However, replication was less than one hundred percent.

He retains some scepticism alongside rapidly growing fear. 'My agency has no record of any of the events you describe.'

I swat this away. I retain awareness of the events only due to synchronization with my counterpart in the previous reality.

He is rapidly becoming convinced. 'What has been changed?'

Here the fun begins. I tell him that Haruhi Suzumiya and Kyon are now dating.

'Oh...my God .' Literally, Mr. Esper. Literally.

The crisis was partly instigated due to a rivalry for the affections of Kyon. The gender of the offending party was altered, memories erased, and a closed-space regulatory arrangement instituted that would render them too busy to cause future problems.

Sweat drips from his face.

'Who. Who was changed, Nagato?'

You.

His facial expression is a 95.4% perfect replication of Edvard Munch's painting _The Scream. _It would probably be cruel to continue further. I decide to do so.

Just enough time granted for this information to sink in. Now to terrify him to the very core of his existence.

Your character and worldview have also been altered.

'How? HOW?'

In the previous reality you were a strong advocate of the school of thought known as "Objectivism".

Koizumi now appears on the brink of nervous breakdown. Permanent damage would likely destabilize the network of relations in the brigade. The Entity need not remind me on that point. It decides to do so anyway.

Enough. A joke. Haruhi Suzumiya demanded such an action be undertaken as punishment for vacating the nurse's office before I had sufficiently recovered.

'What? WHAT THE ****?' He slams his hands on the desk. He has been had. Completely.

He utters a long string of explicit language only repeatable in a piece of writing intended for mature audiences. He storms from the room. Five point six seconds later Kyon and Suzumiya return.

'What's with Koizumi? We just saw him run out. He looks like a concussion victim who's just been kicked in the crotch.'

'Hahahahah, good one Kyon!' Suzumiya slaps him hard on the back. Kyon grunts and glares in protest. After a few moments her expression becomes serious.

'As Brigade Chief, it's my duty to look after the welfare of my underlings. It's my right to know if there's anything serious going on. What happened?'

Existential trolling.

Suzumiya does not seem to understand my reply. She turns to Kyon and holds her hands out to the side in an exaggerated shrug. Connotes unwillingness to verbally admit lack of understanding and a desire that Kyon provides the answer. I am confused by her concern for Koizumi. Suzumiya...showing compassion for others? New data.

Kyon puts his palm to his face. 'What I think Nagato is saying is that she used Koizumi's interest in philosophical discussion to introduce a bunch of ideas he found extremely disturbing. In short, she was messing with him.'

'Wow. Good job Yuki! That was the prank I ordered? You got him good!'

Delete earlier statement regarding compassion. Erroneous. Suzumiya runs to the cupboard and pulls out a red armband labelled 'Super Deputy Chief.'

'Your Chief is impressed with your drive to prevent boredom. Keep it up! Promotion! Official second in command!'

I am concerned that a slap on the back may be imminent. They appear painful.

**###**

The following day is Friday. As I enter the clubroom only Ms. Asahina is present. I wear the armband given to me by Suzumiya. Promotion is meaningless. The command structure of the Brigade is a dictatorship. Possessing the armband is still pleasurable. Why? Moreover, is Suzumiya manipulating events to ensure that circumstances present themselves for the pranks she has ordered to be enacted? Probable.

It is ordered. Previous experience suggests it should be pleasurable. Why this reluctance? The impact of the quality termed _moe_ by humans? A prank of suitable quality is formulated. Probably cruel to proceed. I (reluctantly) decide to do so. Orders. Suitable human comparison: Nuremburg defence.

The web browser is open on the Brigade computer. I quickly locate a number of sites selling equipment designed for an adult human audience with an interest in adopting an uneven structure of power relations in their bedroom activities.

She looks briefly at the screen. Her face quickly develops a green tinge.

'Oh-oh dear. Please close that. That looks painful. I-I don't really understand how people can enjoy that sort of thing.' Suddenly she waves her arms in panic. 'Though, if you do, um...that's fine.'

I tell her that she may understand it soon.

'H-how do you mean?'

I "inform" her that Suzumiya's recent interest in this subculture may influence the forms of clothing selected for the one she enjoys dressing up.

'What do you...' She squeals as the implication becomes clear. 'N-n-no! My superiors would have let me know if something like this...' Doubt clouds her face. 'Uhh...I must contact them immediately'. She heads towards the door.

Enough. A joke.

'Kyaaaa? Why would you do such a thing, Ms. Nagato?' Her mouth resembles an upturned V.

Guilt. Too cute to bully.

Apologies. Orders from Haruhi Suzumiya. Angered by departure whilst Brigade member indisposed.

'I see.' The Time Traveller uses this phrase incorrectly. Her expression is characteristic of confusion.

My line.

'E-excuse me? I don't understand at all...'

You say "kyaaa" or "classified information". The phrase "I see" is reserved.

She laughs nervously. 'I apologise for my absence. I was called to urgent discussions on um...classified matters'. The time traveller tilts her head to one side. Curiosity. 'You seem different, Ms. Nagato. My superiors will only permit me to tell you a little, but this branch point is one not many timelines follow. We hadn't really prepared too well. Some of the higher-ups are worried about a timequake. All I've really been told is that this odd timeline's point of divergence is centred on you. It's quite confusing...'

Kyon and Koizumi enter. The former observes the time traveller's tense state.

'What did you do to her?' He glares in this direction. 'One insensitive half-crazed armband-wearing maniac was more than enough.' He misunderstands. I am unsure if the data shared by the time traveller is intended to reach these members. Cannot tell truth.

'Enough. Ignorant. Outranked. Require penalty?'

'What the hell? This isn't you Nagato.' Appeal to authority unsuccessful. His voice is raised in a manner suggesting passionate dissatisfaction.

An uneasy silence.

Suddenly the door bangs open. Suzumiya arrives.

'Wow. What's with the flat atmosphere in here? It's like I just walked into a debating society for deaf-mutes. Get out of my clubroom! And psych yourselves up for tomorrow. We're in a rut. We're going on patrol. We'll find something interesting, even if it kills us.'

I hope that last phrase is not enacted literally.

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><p><strong>AN 2: I've actually got this whole thing written (8 chapters) but that's as much as I can be bothered to proofread and submit right now. I think you've had your fill anyway. **

**Protip: Wash this down with something worthy and philosophical and no-one will be able to tell the depths to which thou hast sunketh in thine reading habits.**


	4. Ground Patrol to Major Incident

**A/N: A whole sackful of thanks for those who've left such nice reviews (Lyaksandra in particular!)**** I half wonder if you're lulling me into a full sense of security before the brutal, crushing truck o'criticism arrives, smashes in through my front door and proceeds to viciously and repeatedly run me over, all the while laughing as these killer trucks tend to do.**

**Now. On with our story. I'm not quite so happy with this chapter but, well, you can only proofread so many times before the letters start dancing around the screen in mockery.**

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><p>Saturday. Drizzle. She can manipulate reality. Why not glorious sunshine? Forcibly altering weather patterns has a 9.4% chance of disturbing the climate catastrophically for many thousands of years. She is unaware. The question remains. Why drizzle?<p>

All members of the Brigade were fully informed about the nature of my upgrades following yesterday's early dismissal. Pranks shall now have to be more elaborate.

Kyon finally arrives. Thirty seconds late. All other members were early.

'Idiot! Moron! Your lack of enthusiasm smacks of insubordination and revolt. Show the Chief due respect! Death penalty! You're paying for lunch too!'

'And just how precisely can I pay for lunch when I'm dead?'

Many possibilities. Postponement of death until after lunch. Removing wallet from dead body. Reanimation of corpse.

...

Did I say that out loud?

Suzumiya takes this in her stride. 'Exactly! You underestimate the powers of your formidable leadership. Minus ten thousand points!'

'I sure hope my negative point score doesn't count against me in the afterlife.'

He is particularly sarcastic today.

Suzumiya pulls out a set of straws. She rearranges them behind her back and holds them in front.

'Pick one, idiot!'

'Good grief. Fine.' Kyon pulls out a non-marked straw. Koizumi also picks a non-marked straw. Ms. Asahina does the same.

'Ha. So two guys and a girl on one team. Sorry Mikuru. If either of you molest our mascot there'll be a super death penalty! I'll kill you both twenty times!'

I see. Suzumiya and myself. Coincidence?

'Meet back here at one! Since there's three of you on your team there's no excuses! Break into people's houses if you need to. Plenty of mysterious things must be going on in a town the size of this!'

The two groups part. We walk towards the shopping centre. Suzumiya nonchalantly throws five unmarked straws into a bin.

...

'I set up these teams on purpose.'

I see that.

'What's with that non-committal answer? I mean, shouldn't you be saying something about cheating? Or showing some curiosity about why your Chief bothered to set up this scenario?' Her face reddens a little. She appears agitated.

...

'This is what I don't get! You're part of my Brigade. But how much do I know about you? Nothing, except that you like books and that you're good with computers. Even that whole thing where you pulled pranks on the other members, that was just my orders. It tells me you've got some wit and a bit of nerve, but still; what's that to go on? I sent the others out to look for something we don't understand. But I've already got one, right here.'

She stares unblinkingly.

...

Dread. An undesirable new emotion. Suzumiya theatrically pulls a folded sheet of paper from her pocket.

'I've made a list. One hundred questions. Resistance is futile! I don't care whether you like it or not, I'm gonna pin you down.'

Think twice. I've got an alarm.

'Shut up.'

**#****##**

'Ninjas or pirates?'

Neither. Both are unpleasant.

'What's your favourite colour?'

#ACE1AF

'What three traits do you seek in a partner?'

Humanoid. Alive. Knows when to stop asking questions.

'Name a special talent you possess'

The manipulation of data.

'What does that even...Yuki! Stop giving such stupid answers!'

The answers are accurate. The object of the exercise would be defeated if other answers were given.

'F-fine! I get the message. Enough questions. We'll go shopping, then. Maybe you'll relax and lighten up a little...'

**#****##**

We enter a small independent bookstore on a side street. On the way we pass an odd building. It resembles a European medieval castle. Strange.

'So what's your favourite kind of book?'

Science fiction and supernatural.

'Whoa! We shared such a big interest all along and I didn't even know? Hey, wait a minute. Do you actually believe in aliens, time travellers, sliders and espers?'

Undoubtedly.

'Oh man. I've been wasting my time hanging around with Kyon. All he ever does is whine about how stupid the Brigade is, make fun of me and piss me off.'

She sighs. A wistful look in her eyes.

'Mikuru's just eye-candy. I think Koizumi has some sort of crush on me. He just does whatever the hell I tell him to. It's boring when people don't have any backbone at all. All along there was another genuine believer here and I didn't even know. I stole the room from you without even checking if you were interested.'

She shakes her head despairingly.

'It's kind of depressing.'

I tell her that I do not mind. That the literature club was short on members. That it would have closed if she hadn't appeared. She is perplexed.

'Huh? No, dumbass, it's not like I feel guilty for stealing the space for the SOS Brigade or anything. I mean, that turned out okay so there's nothing to apologise for!'

Dubious moral consequentialism.

'What? Don't just come out and say confusing things!'

...

'Don't look at me like that! Okay. I get it! I say confusing things sometimes too. Whatever.'

Towards the end of this exchange her voice increased in volume considerably. The shopkeeper glares in our direction.

'What the heck are you looking at? It's a bookstore. Not a library.'

**###**

We began walking towards the designated assembly point.

'You know, this has been fun. I really enjoyed today.'

She looks upwards to the skies.

'The other group are hopeless. They'll never find anything.'

We walk in silence. Several times it appears she is about to say something. Minutes pass. We do not appear to have moved as far as we should have done. Manipulation?

'Yuki.'

...

Her face develops a red tinge. I ask if she is unwell.

'N-no. Not at all. Ugh...this is crazy, lame! What the hell am I thinking? I hardly know you...'

...

I do not understand. Sudden tension. Unknown origin.

'I half-reckoned that if we stopped looking and just relaxed a bit something unusual would be bound to appear.'

...

She opens and closes her mouth several times more. Potential winning audition for role of goldfish.

'But you know...? It actually feels like I've found something much more important. I think...'

**Emergency connection request.**

The Overmind had been quiet recently. Prepared to judge developments from afar. Sudden. Worrying.

Request accepted.

**Spatial-temporal breach.**** Division has arisen between the factions of the Integrated Data Sentient Entity concerning future actions. Arrival of rebel interface imminent. Likely that the interface's instructions are to kill. Defeat and disable this interface. **

Location? Appearance?

These questions are rendered irrelevant. A swirling black circle appears just ahead in the centre of the street.

'...I think I might...Wait? What the hell is that?' Her awe is as if she has glimpsed God. Excitement not among my primary responses to this scenario. I step in front of her. She must be protected at all costs.

A gentle lilting voice emanates from inside the void.

'Oh, how cute. But it's not her I'm after, Yuki Nagato. You are my opponent.'

The voice is familiar. A figure emerges from the void.

'Wow. You set up a portal from Canada just so you could visit us? Neat. I told Kyon something was weird about her!'

* * *

><p><strong>AN 2: RUH-ROH...**


	5. Old Enemies, New Connections

**A/N: More thanks to Lyaksandra and to superstarultra for the reviews. Especially with the quite vigilant proofreading and rewriting I've done in parts, it's not really as cracky or wacky OOC as I remember it. I assumed it would come out crackfic-ish as that's what it originally was. A series of vaguely related and poorly thought out mini-chapters on a theme. I can't remember what draft number we're on before a plot started to emerge from the mists.**

***sings* Hey Jess, don't make it bad. Take a bad fic, and make it better. *end singing***

**Anyway, you're here for the story, so let's be on with it.**

* * *

><p>Ryoko Asakura smiles. 'Oh, Suzumiya. I'm from so much further away than Canada.'<p>

'London?'

'Oh no. You're thinking much too small.'

Suzumiya grins wickedly. 'Space? No freaking way! Awesome!'

'In a sense, I suppose I am. In my timeline of origin it seems that my raw data somehow re-coalesced and maintained its integrity. Hacking across universes in search of a home simply required a higher standard of data manipulation. My difficulty was that in all but the most exceptional timelines no faction will agree to shelter an "unstable factor" such as myself. When the radical faction in this universe became aware of my continuing existence I was called. They re-established my physical form and provided me with a new mission.'

She tilts her head to the side.

'Teehee...I imagine you thought you had seen the last of me. Oh well. Bad luck for you.'

A large knife materializes in her hands. The menacing intent if not the meaning of her words registers. Suzumiya's smile falters.

'Hey...just what the hell do you think you're doing?'

The scene has drawn the attention of a group of passers-by. One fumbles for his mobile phone. He wishes to take a picture. Why do they not run?

'Oh dear. It's so very vulgar to air one's dirty laundry in public. Let's go someplace quieter, shall we? Establish bubble dimension. Shift into termination mode.'

All observers disappear. The sky fades to black. Previous location used as the basis of the space. Objects remain. A blue aura surrounds Asakura.

'Heehee. Don't you find this encounter strangely nostalgic?'

'What does she mean? What's happening?' Suzumiya has fallen to the floor. Abject fear.

Internal calculations. Optimal approach. Estimate chance of victory in this space. Approximately twenty-five percent. Her data manipulation capacities are much improved.

'Enough talking.' Asakura lunges towards us. The knife grazes my arm. I barely manage to push Suzumiya away from immediate harm. I land on her half a second later.

'I already said, silly. I'm not here for Suzumiya. I'm here for you. This isn't just revenge. You seem to be becoming important to her. What would happen if you not only died, but did so right in front of her eyes? Just imagine! One hundred times better than killing Kyon!'

'Yuki, you're bleeding! I'll kill that bitch!'

Pain. Sensory upgrades counter-productive in battle. I look down into Haruhi's eyes. A strange stirring...she stares back. Her eyes are wide. What is this feeling? Adequate match found in relationship data. I see.

'Awww...are you two having a moment? That's so sweet.'

A delivery van is being levitated into the air.

'I don't really understand the attraction experienced between organic life-forms. Perhaps I should be a little jealous. But then again, you're about to die. Such a tragic story!'

Haruhi. Whatever happens. I will always be with you.

Cliché. Illogical. If I am deleted it is unlikely there is a possibility of return. Asakura's ability to escape deletion is exceptional. But the statement feels right.

Stop.

'Heehee. Nagato, I don't really think you're in a position to make that demand.'

Defeat conceded. One request.

She smiles. 'So charitable and dignified! I'm listening.' The van is returned to the ground.

Move her to safety. While we're together there is the risk she may be harmed.

'Well, that's not too unreasonable. Of course, she'll still have to watch. That's half of the fun in this scenario.'

I get to my feet. Release her hand. A thin greenish-blue barrier appears between us.

'Yuki! No!'

Haruhi turns towards Asakura with pure burning hatred in her eyes. 'You heartless bitch. I'll search until the day I die for a way to make you pay.'

'I have no fear of death. I cannot experience pain. My victory can be nothing less than eternal.' She yawns. 'Let's hurry this up a little. It's becoming tiresome.' She springs forwards.

At the moment Asakura lunges forward a searing white light pierces the wall of the bubble dimension directly behind her. This cannot be...

'I think I'm going to enjoy this.' She re-materializes her knife.

Not half as much as I think I will.

'What on Earth could you possibly m-'

A squelching noise. From behind a foot pierces all the way through the lower part of her chest and exits through the front.

'Commencing nullification of data link.'

This statement is followed by a pun too horrific to repeat at this juncture. I like it.

'T-two Nagatos! But? That's not...'

Haruhi is back on her feet, half-screaming, half-laughing. 'I have no idea what just happened, but some eternal victory, huh?'

Realization dawns on Asakura's face. Her body begins to fade away beneath her. 'Oh, I see. So this is how it ends. Well, I hope you are very happy together. Perhaps one day you'll invite me to your wedding.' With a gentle laugh she fades away into nothing.

The bubble dimension begins to crumble around us. My counterpart hands over a bookmark. Haruhi engrossed in the process of reversion to the standard dimension. She does not notice.

Within seconds we are back in the shopping centre. The portal has gone. My counterpart has disappeared. I grab hold of Haruhi. We are safe. She returns the embrace. Enthusiastically. Suddenly she stiffens. A small crowd of shoppers is standing and staring.

'You did just see that, right?'

'A couple of hot girls grabbing each other like that? Damn right I saw it!'

'No...before that, wasn't there something else?'

'It's like there was...but I can't remember it at all.'

Haruhi turns a bright shade of red. 'Stop staring at us. Disgusting! Perverts! Go die in a fire!'

**###**

'What the crap? Why doesn't anyone else remember seeing anything? She turned up through some kind of weird portal then pulled a knife on us in the middle of a shopping centre! How can anyone be stupid enough to forget that!'

Diners on surrounding tables look across quizzically.

Ordinary humans. Mundane lives. Something beyond their understanding. There for only a few moments of their time. Disappears. The world is back to normal. The natural assumption? The whole thing is imagination.

She exhales loudly. 'I guess. People suck. Bet the other three won't believe it.'

I think she will be surprised.

'And I mean...seriously? The first time I head out with you and something super-weird like this finally happens? It's like a message from the universe...'

She tails off in wonder. I remind her that we are already half an hour late to the assembly point. They may be worried.

Her face takes on a determined expression. As if some great decision has just been made.

'Screw them. There's something I've been dying to do ever since we got out of that place.'

What is tha-

She leans across the table. A beaming catlike grin. Eyes glint with mischief. She lets out a low growl. Closest match in wildlife sound library: playful wolf. Soft lips. She tilts her head to the right. A probing tongue seeking entry. Her hands run through my hair. Her tongue reaches deep within. The rest of the world seems to fade. This is what it means to feel...

She finally pulls back from the kiss after what feels like minutes. The catlike grin remains. 'Heheheh. Pretty good. Say, Yukirin...there's a place I saw earlier I wanna take you...'

It appears that a near-death experience has drastically diminished our inhibition data.

**Connection request. ****Informational update required concerning recent events.**

Postpone. We shall be busy for some time.

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><p><strong>AN 2: Questions, questions. Where did the 2nd Nagato come from? Where is Haruhi going to take Yuki? What was that terrible pun Yuki mentioned? All these questions do get answered. But it you're hoping for these answers to appear in the next chapter, you're going to be disappointed. Remember, patience is a virtue as well as a dull as fog card game.**


	6. Unique Mechanisms for Data Transference

**A/N: I meant to upload a chapter yesterday. Proofreading took ages. Struggling for motivation. I'm a perfectionist and end up hating pretty much everything I write. ****Anyway, there's another chapter on its way tonight. Hopefully quantity will be an adequate substitute for quality. I know that if there's one thing worse than a story tailing off in quality it's the author not bothering to bloody finish it and post it. Makes sense to get both these ones done in a go as this one is fairly short and filler-ish.**

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><p>We neglected to ring them. An uneasy glance.<p>

Unlikely they stood outside for three half hours. Went inside to eat. Rain is falling heavily.

We turn the corner. Only Koizumi is standing at the assigned meeting point. He does not have an umbrella. His soaked hair is plastered down over his face.

'The other two have gone inside. I have remained here in strict accordance with your orders and to act as a lookout. I hope my commitment in some way compensates for my oversight when Ms. Nagato was unwell. Perhaps this was some kind of test?'

Haruhi makes a snorting sound. Can't hold in. Soon I follow.

'HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA'

Kekekekekekekekeke.

'Hahahah...seriously, what's with that laugh? And what's with that expression on your face now? Ahahahahahahaha! Yukirin, you're priceless.'

Koizumi's usual smile is turned down a few watts. 'Oh dear. It appears I may have been a fool. Am I to assume it wasn't a test?'

'No. Course it wasn't! You're a complete moron! What if I told you not to breathe?' She stops laughing for a moment and glares. 'And you left our prized mascot with Kyon all this time?' That's like leaving the Mona Lisa in the custody of a plague of moths! You should be executed!'

'Oh my. That is indeed rather an oversight. I apologise humbly.'

A muscle just above his eye has begun twitching.

'May I ask what has led you to refer to Ms. Nagato as "Yukirin"? It must have been a very interesting day.'

Few have been more so.

**###**

We enter the restaurant. We locate the remaining members.

'Kyon! Get your hands off Mikuru immediately.'

He grimaces. 'I'm not touching her! And you're a fine one to talk. I haven't done anything to her. We've just been talking! Nothing more. Don't judge everyone by your own depraved standards.'

'Hey! Take that back! I'm not depraved! I'm just enthusiastic.'

Unsure. Earlier on you appeared a little...

'Okay. Maybe depraved too. It makes sense. All the great leaders have been. But that doesn't excuse that mentality in the worthless body of an underling!'

Ms. Asahina nervously tries to enter the conversation 'Uh-uhm... Nothing strange has gone on at all.'

'NOTHING? Kyon, just what sort of man are you? In the presence of such a cute thing you failed to make a single move? What were you thinking?'

Stockholm syndrome. Brainwashed into defending her captor.

'Hmph. So he's either done nothing or done everything. Either way, he's a disgusting example of a man.'

'Will you just stop for a minute? What right do you have to come here making this sort of accusation? You're over three hours late for God's sake! How many death penalties is that?'

She scratches the back of her head. 'Eheheh...well I suppose you might have a point. But we found something ve~ry mysterious. We got kind of sidetracked.'

Kyon leans back in his chair and takes a sip of his drink. 'This had better be good.'

Haruhi takes a deep breath.

'This version of Asakura from another dimension appeared from a portal and took us to this weird as hell place. But then this alternate world Yukirin with the same powers turned up and *bang* kicked right through her stomach until her foot came out the other side. Then deleted her from existence. It was amazing!'

Kyon spits out his drink in shock and begins coughing loudly.

Koizumi seems unsure as to which tone he should pitch his answer. 'My...well, that certainly is something.'

'I'm glad you're both safe. It sound like you've had a very difficult day.' Ms. Asahina follows Koizumi's lead.

A silence falls around the table, with the exception of Kyon's continued loud coughing.

'So, what did you three get up to?'

**###**

'Nothing? You found NOTHING?'

'Kyon thought he saw a ghost in someone's house...'

'Really? Why didn't you say so earlier?'

The time traveller blushes. 'Uh...it was a trick of the light. We knocked on the door of the house. An old lady showed us the room. It was curtains blowing in the wind.'

Amateurs.

'Heheheh...I don't know. At least they had some spirit. Oh wait. NO THEY DIDN'T!'

'Haha. Very funny.' Kyon has finally recovered from his coughing fit. 'I bet you two didn't even look hard. You just got lucky.'

Near-death experience? Lucky?

'We _were_ pretty lucky when you think about it. If that hadn't happened we might not have found the second amazing thing we found today!'

She winks. I see. We discussed this earlier. The three other brigade members glance at each other. Unsure what to expect next.

'Yup. There is something quite extraordinary at the back of Yukirin's mouth. Watch this.'

She leans over. A deep French kiss. Once complete she turns to her shocked fellow members with a beaming smile.

'Problem is, I can't quite seem to reach it yet. Looks like I'm going to have to spend a lot of time practicing.'

THUD.

Kyon has just passed out.

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><p><strong>AN 2: Fufufufufu. I like that ending, I do.**


	7. Crushing Idiots, Playing Games of Love

**A/N: The promised second uploaded chapter of the night. Enjoy it! We're reaching the endgame now. Only one more chapter after this one. I'll probably upload it some time tomorrow or Monday depending how busy I am. Don't marvel at my update speed or anything. The whole fic was finished bar proofreading by the time I submitted the first chapter.**

* * *

><p>'Hey Yu~ki~ri~n.'<p>

Haruhi greets my entrance to the classroom. Morning break. This nickname is pleasant. The room falls silent. A class of heads turn towards the door.

'Eheheheh. So you did it! Nothing less than I'd expect. You better start running! I can't look at you more than a few seconds without wanting to molest you!'

I see. This is why she told me to come here in the rabbit costume. Running is suboptimal if it prevents molestation.

'You've got to run Yuki! The thrill of the chase is half the fun!'

...

'Heh. Fine. Unless you run I *won't* molest you.'

I am running. Catch me soon.

**###**

Kyon is late. I head to the classroom to retrieve him. Regular uniform. Behaviour during morning break resulted in severe rebuke from teacher concerning PDAs. Confusing. There were no palmtop computers in the vicinity. Largely obsolete in the age of smartphones.

Kyon and a friend are conversing.

'Sure didn't see that one coming.'

Kyon puts his palm to his head. 'Neither did I, Taniguchi. Neither did I.'

'I feel for you, bro. One of the only good things about that crazy club you're in is the female membership. Kunikida said you always liked weird girls. That's both of the routes closed in one single moment. Now there's only Asahina. She's perfect. Not your type and she's way out of your league. That sucks, man.'

'Don't be such a one-track-mind idiot. It wasn't ever like that.'

'I don't get you. You never made a move on any of them. Were you going for the harem route or something? Either way, you look like you're heading straight for one of the bad ends.'

That's enough.

I am not a character from an eroge. Kyon, you just earned a double death penalty. Lateness. Having stupid friends.

Taniguchi is thrown greatly off balance by this intervention. He stammers out an answer in panic.

'Wa-wa-wa-where the hell did you come from? T-that was a private discussion!'

Idiot. Needs cutting down to size. Lie mode.

Your ranking system is renowned. Girls in this school also grade boys in attractiveness.

'They do?'

You rated "F".

He looks crushed. Probably cruel to continue. I decide to do so.

Several girls vomitted when shown your picture.

Someone may have to scrape him from the floor. Pity the person on cleaning duty.

**###**

I pull Kyon out the door and close it behind us. We head towards the club room. I tell him that I am sorry.

'What for? Taniguchi deserved that a hundred times over for the sort of stuff he comes out with everyday.'

Not that. I did not consider that you have had feelings of attraction towards both myself and Suzumiya Haruhi. The behaviour of both of us in our announcement has been insensitive.

'Don't worry. Like he said, I never made my move. I've got no right to complain.' Kyon sighs. 'Actually, if anything, the thing I feel the most is worry for you.'

Worry?

'Haruhi made you like this, right? Those "upgrades". I know you're happy, but if past experience is anything to go by she probably set up this entire chain of events. That sort of manipulation just jars with me.'

He pauses for a moment.

'And this all could be far from over. When people are in relationships they often try to change each other. You know, as time goes on as they get less tolerant of their partner's quirks? I've read about it. This girl can do whatever she likes. You're an individual. Not a thing to be moulded at will by some power-crazed God.'

Objectively he is the least intelligent member of the brigade. But his analysis is often very insightful.

Do not worry. That issue has already been addressed.

**###**

'You know. The first hour we got here, I was too busy to notice at all.' She grins across the four-poster bed. 'But this place is as tacky as hell. It's ridiculous!'

The outside was made up to resemble a castle. Tackiness within inevitable.

'I know, but...I mean what's with this lame stone-effect wall?' She taps it. 'It's plastic! This isn't a high class place at all.'

A love hotel. Class is not what is promised.

'The castle thing threw me off! It made me think I was gonna get my own personal maid! Someone playing violin in the corner!'

Must. Hold. In. Laugh.

Pff...

'Stop laughing. There'll be a penalty!'

Your penalties are not unpleasurable.

'Heh heh. You really are something.'

Her smile suddenly curves downwards into a frown.

...?

'This is all just so weird. Until a few days ago I just wrote you off as the silent character. Didn't give you any consideration at all. And then all of this, so quickly.'

Suzumiya Haruhi is crying.

'It's like a dream. I'm worried I'll wake up any minute now, you'll be gone and things will be back to how they were.'

I will remain as long as you want me to remain. As long as you wish me to remain as I am I shall.

She is bewildered by this choice of words.

'Why would I want you to change? I'm hardly the sort of person who settles for second prize. It's you I want. I swear to God I'd never change a single thing about you.'

And neither would I change you.

'Heh...sorry, this is stupid of me.' She wipes her nose on her sleeve. 'Way to spoil the mood, huh?'

This will cheer her up. Noticed upon arrival. Observe the bathroom.

She stands up and walks across the room. 'What could be so strange about...no way, SERIOUSLY? A torture-chamber themed bathroom? Who comes up with this stuff?'

All was well.

**###**

'All I'm getting from that story is that the reason we were stuck in town for hours is that you two went to a love hotel. I've got no problem with you two going out, but I'm not quite sure why I needed that particular image etched into my brain...'

Perhaps he is not so insightful after all.

"I swear to God I'd never change a single thing about you."

The nearest being to God in this universe. She evoked her own powers to revoke her own ability to undertake actions that result in further transformations affecting myself as a subject. She is no longer able to do what you fear.

We approach the clubroom. Even from a distance the sound of Haruhi shouting out orders is clearly audible.

Kyon sighs.

'It feels like I'm handing over a baton. Good luck, I guess. If there's anyone who can tame Haruhi Suzumiya I think it might just be you'.

Taming is undesirable. Wild Haruhi is too much fun.

A grimace. 'Is it really necessary to turn every statement about her into an innuendo?'

Yes. Imperative.

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><p><strong>AN 2: So that's the question of where Haruhi and Yuki went to for those few hours dealt with. The rest of the loose ends (hopefully) get tied up in the final chapter, which'll be up in a day or two.**


	8. The Sickness of Yuki Nagato

**A/N: Yay. Negative reviews ^_^**

**I feel like a proper author here now. Sorry this is late, I forgot to sleep a night or two ago and proofreading while your eyelids desperately wish to join each other in the closest of embraces isn't a recipe for super magic success. On with the end of the story (if there's anyone still reading). This chapter is heavily inspired by the difficult-to-follow time-travel shenanigans of Volume 7. It's not the best chapter by any means. But it wraps things up okay I think.**

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><p>There was still work left to be done. All Brigade members except Haruhi met at my apartment that evening.<p>

My counterpart in the bubble dimension presented this item.

I hand the bookmark to Ms. Asahina.

'Oh...of course. Ms. Suzumiya assumed that the second Nagato was also from another dimension like the Asakura you were trapped with. So...so...the second Nagato was just a version of you from a different point in the timeline? From the time on this bookmark.'

Is it possible to travel to this time period?

'Let me see. 2:50PM last Wednesday? Yes, the authorization came through straight away.'

She hesitates.

'I see. Apparently I'm only to take Ms. Nagato with me. Sorry, you two.' She gestures towards Koizumi and Kyon. 'We'll need to transport your past self to Saturday afternoon and afterwards take her back to her original time for her to be at the clubroom on Wednesday. Uh...what time did that incident in the shopping centre occur?'

12:45. My past self will require a quarter of an hour to plant destructive factors in the area to permit penetration of the bubble dimension and the neutralization of Ryoko Asakura.

'Uh...this is complicated. I think I've got permission for all that, so I guess it must be what we're meant to do.'

She glances at the other two. 'We won't be long. I'll set our return coordinates for a minute from now. Um...Ms. Nagato, can you please join me in the next room? The nature of this technology is classified, sorry. No-one is allowed to peek.'

We go to the next room.

'You might want to sit down. It's possible you will become a little time-sick. That's it. Now close your eyes.'

The entire world vibrates violently. The direction of gravity appears to change a number of times in rapid succession.

Time travel is horrific. Do not try it. Just say no.

**###**

I vomit for a third time.

'Oh dear, Nagato. You seem to have a particularly bad case. Can you stand?'

I am fine.

That is a lie.

'Um...we don't have much time.'

She blinks.

'S-surely you remember yourself exactly what happens here? After all, this must have already happened to you.'

Memory absent for the time period 3:00-3:10 on Wednesday afternoon.

'I see. So something causes you to lose all knowledge you have of saving yourself? How very odd...Umm...I think we need to get to school pretty quickly. Are you okay to run?'

**###**

'2:57 PM.' Ms. Asahina is panting behind me. Despite nausea-induced decrease in velocity she struggles to maintain pace. Teleportation would have been optimal. Unfortunately she does not possess the capacity to perform such an act. To teleport a second independent body would dramatically increase the chances of data transcription errors. These may have left Ms. Asahina substantially less attractive and considerably less alive.

'Oh my. What do we do now? If you go to the classroom with me to fetch yourself you'll get seen by people together.' She waves her arms. 'Kyaaa! I don't have time to work all this out! Umm...you go the restroom. Lock yourself in the second cubicle. I'll go grab the...other you.'

I reach the cubicle at 2:59, one minute before the end of class. A minute later I hear the anguished tones of Ms. Asahina as she pushes my past self through the door.

'Y-you've got to come in here! It's really important!'

I open the cubicle door. Ms. Asahina pushes my past self into the cubicle and closes the door behind herself.

'I do not understa-'

My counterpart stares unblinkingly. Unlikely that there is any creature in existence that would not be shocked. Meeting yourself in a toilet cubicle is a non-typical scenario.

**###**

''I am to pre-plant destructive factors, enter the bubble dimension established by Ryoko Asakura, nullify her data link and transfer this bookmark to my future self.'

Ms. Asahina nods. 'That's right. After completion teleport immediately back to your apartment. Myself and your counterpart will meet you there to give further instructions. We'll now transport you to fifteen minutes before the portal appeared so that sufficient time is available to establish the...things you need to set up.'

'I see.'

'Now both of you, close your eyes.'

Appropriate metaphorical association; resembles riding a broken G-force simulator possessed by demonic force.

I open my eyes. We are in a dead-end alleyway two streets away from where the portal materialized on Saturday afternoon.

Vomit.

My counterpart is not affected by time sickness.

Why did Haruhi grant me the ability to be time sick? No logical reason. Reader. Do you comprehend? Please explain.

'Okay. If you go left at the end of this alleyway, then right at the next junction street, you'll be right next to it. We've allowed three minutes for travel. Once you reach your destination you have fifteen minutes to do what you need to do before Ryoko Asakura appears.'

She now turns to me. 'We need to get back to your apartment without being seen by the other members. I know where my group is at this point, but from which direction did you come?'

My counterpart has reached the end of the alleyway.

Oh. I must tell her one more thing.

Connection for nullification of data link achieved through foot penetrating through the lower chest. When completed, say the following; "For Asakura, the bitter taste of defeat is hard to stomach".

My past self stares blankly in this direction for several seconds longer than necessary.

'Understood.'

Ms. Asahina sighs. 'Ms. Nagato, you have a very strange sense of humour.'

**###**

'She should be here soon! Oh...but she loses her memory...she won't know to come back!'

I have deduced what occurs. She will.

'Wha-? Then how?'

My past self materialises and enters from the next room.

'Assigned tasks are completed.'

I materialize a nano-machine gun and point it at my counterpart.

'N-Nagato! What...what are you doing?'

I fire.

My past self falls to the ground. Ms. Asahina kneels by her side in tears. 'W-what have you done?'

I have removed her memories of what has just occurred. She will wake in a couple of minutes.

'Huh? But...oh. I see. This is how it happens.'

She will wake in two minutes. Take her to her original timeline. Then return here and take both of us home. She will wake at 3:10 and auto-teleport to just outside the clubroom. We are done.

'Oh-okay.'

**###**

I have just completed cleaning up the large pile of vomit on my apartment floor. Unpleasant.

'You erased your own memories to stabilize the timeline?' Koizumi is impressed. 'That's some very lateral thinking'.

There are side-effects. The nano memory wipe will impair my past self's functionality for several minutes. Minor glitches probable.

Kyon puts his palm to his face. 'It was you acting weirdly that first caught Haruhi's attention, wasn't it? You just set in motion all the ridiculous events of the past few days? Oh God...I hate time travel.'

'I-I sympathise. It can be very complicated at times.' Asahina smiles in relief. 'At least now the timeline is stable.'

Yes. Although...

There was no vomit on the carpet when I returned from school on Wednesday.

**###**

There. Complete. Ridiculous. Time-travelling for such a purpose. Yuki Nagato: Time Travelling Vomit Cleaner.

'Is it done?'

Yes.

'Alright! You know how it goes. Close your eyes.'

Wait. An opportunity to ask Ms. Asahina a question. Regarding Kyon.

**###**

Back with the other members of the brigade in my apartment. Original timeline. A large pile of sick has just been deposited on the floor.

Sigh.

For a moment I concur with Kyon's negative assessment of time travel. I then recall the incredible things that I have gained in these past few days as a result of its existence. Suddenly I wish to marry it.

Once more sick is being scrubbed from the carpet. The other members of the brigade are still present. It is not them who I wish to be spending the evening with.

I inform the other members that I will shortly be inviting Haruhi Suzumiya to my apartment.

'Ah..of course. This is our cue to leave. I hope you two have an enjoyable evening together.' Koizumi. Smooth. As always.

The brigade members file out the door. They walk down the corridor. I leave the door slightly open. Ms. Asahina's nervous stammerings are audible.

'Ky-Kyon. Um...in this timeline there doesn't seem to be any rule against it...w-would you like to go out to dinner?'

'Wha-? Uh...sure. Yes, I think I'd like that.'

I cannot see it. But I detect a smile in his voice.

'Yeah. I'm pretty sure I'd like that a lot.'

I am happy for them.

The Integrated Data Sentient Entity is also fulfilled. Initial processing of the data that I have transferred regarding my interactions with Haruhi Suzumiya suggests that it may be key to Auto-Evolution. Love appears integral to the processes of human advancement. The Overmind believes it may now be possible to escape its evolutionary cul-de-sac with the data provided.

The circumstances of all have become more optimal as a consequence of this chain of events.

No.

Koizumi remains. Perhaps I could pair him with Taniguchi...

**END.**

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><p><strong>AN 2: There you go, all done! This is the last work I'm doing in this fandom for a while. I'm working on an Azumanga Daioh fanfic, but I've been at that for half a year, three rewrites, dozens of discarded chapters. It's full of long words, glacial plot movement and pages upon pages of redundant description. This fic's mirror opposite , if you will. I fear it might be my 'Chinese Democracy'. Anticipate its arrival sometime in 2020. At least at that time we should all be able to see it pretty clearly.**


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